Picture this:

It’s a hot morning in march, the sun casts empty shadows on the earth, its morning but its dark. You’re anxious, you’re always anxious but this time its exciting. Exciting like a little toddler holding a leaf running his heart out from the backyard into the house yelling mama mama see, a good luck charm. A good luck charm indeed, but mine can feel. Mine can feel when im distant, when im upset, when im happy, when im sad, when im irritated, when i need her and even when i say i dont, i do.

Mine can feel:

And guess what, i almost lost her. She blames me, I blame her, We blame each other. She’s scared, I’m scared, we hate each other. But how can you hate your reflection in the mirror? A truth seeker who lies to himself is a cocktail of disaster running hopelessly into a brick wall ignorant to his coming demise. Only its not a brick wall, he’s a liar and this is one of his many lies. The truth is he’s not even running, he’s swimming, only he cant even swim so really he’s drowning. Blissfully unaware thinking his feet are planted firm on the floor and his sights set on the bricks ahead of him he shouts to his good luck charm, “get out of the way”. Mine can feel. Mine can feel it in her bones when she’s dismissed for having good intentions. Mine can feel every word that comes out my mouth that sounds like im saying “i dont want you”, but i do. Mine can feel, but now she’s numb.

Cabin Crew, its Time to Leave:

Im seated in the airplane, uniformed men and women move around like SWAT agents securing the aircraft for its passage through the unforgiving skies. its hot, not just in my chest its all around me and the man behind me is audibly upset at this. “Open the windows, open the doors, i can jump down” he says in a playful yet serious tone, “do you want someone to die”. meanwhile im dozing off, mind lingering because an unsettled heart corrupts. i fucked up, i love her, i was scared, what kind of man are you, this is real love, how could you be so blind, what if theres no coming back. all those words followed by the sound of her voice just a couple of hours earlier, “i wont give up on you, i wont give up on us”. i fucked up.

Its Hot in Here:

Theres a guy without a shirt on, he’s dramatic but still well within his rights. We come down from the plane and head back to the boarding area and my thoughts continue to linger. You’re not that scared little boy anymore, she loves you, you can do this, but can I? I can. I know because i woke up everyday for almost two weeks and i wanted to kill myself. She is it, I am at peace when she laughs at my jokes. I am happy when she is in my arms. She is the most beautiful woman on the planet and the heat that i feel in my chest starts to make sense. I will never love another human being more than i love her, i know this now, but i fucked up, and she did too.

No one is ever there for me:

But she is, every step of the way she is. I held back because i didnt want to fall and have no one to catch me yet she was behind me arms open the whole time. This part of me is not dead, its just scared that on the opposite side of vulnerability is judgement but this is no ordinary woman, she is my good luck charm. Four clove leaves may not cool the atmosphere around me but it weathers the storm within and ill be damned if i let mine go.

I Love Her:

I know she loves me too. And so when the plane crashes and my body is turned to ash you will find underneath my charred skin and the thick black fog a little leaf, just like the one the toddler found, she was always with me and i carry her every where i go.